Bent not Broken

all to none

Mon, 21 Jun 2010 11:36:22 -0400

So lately there’s been nothing going on on the home front. HATE hasn’t texted, TAKEN is with his gf in another city, OPTION doesn’t give a shit and SETTLE is just a friend now. Life is officially boring and I’m finally okay with that :)

note to self

Tue, 15 Jun 2010 13:51:45 -0400

Do not fall in love with someone who only thinks of you as an option.

Photo

Tue, 15 Jun 2010 09:17:41 -0400

news

Mon, 14 Jun 2010 11:02:37 -0400

Alright well TAKEN has officially left the state :( Miss him quite terribly, although I’m sure he doesn’t realize it. Promise one of these days I’ll get up the balls to stop treating him like the love of my life and more like the asshole that strung me along.

New boy: IDK. His name is IDK because that’s just it, I don’t know how I feel about him. He’s a tall red-head from home that I liked in the beginning of high school. We’ve stayed pretty close and when I went home for a little visit, well, I strung him along and now I think he thinks I like him. Probably shouldn’t have invited him to visit me, but too late. The reason I don’t know how I feel is because I was “trained” to not like him. Mom disapproved of his gingerness, which should not matter but I was young and impressionable and it just stuck. He’s a really sweet kid and treats me like the world, I know he’d be good for me but no one compares to TAKEN.

OPTION is back in the area but leaves for Greece in July with his family. He say he’ll come visit but (HA!) we know that won’t happen.

HATE still hates me, joy.

SETTLE is off my list, but I think I put his roommate on, still thinking of a name for that one!

updatesss

Fri, 11 Jun 2010 00:17:00 -0400

Just spent the night out with TAKEN again, drove around the area for a bit, took some suhweet photos (yes i said suhweet!). Nothing sexual happened, no awkward moments, just plain fun. As soon as I got to my room he texted me “that was incredibly fun. fyi.” can’t help but love the boy… i just keep telling myself, someday… someday.

xoxo, a

i seriously need to stop doing things AFTER i post

Tue, 08 Jun 2010 22:59:00 -0400

I texted HATE… went a little better I guess. I’m really not sure what I want out of all this, do I really want to get back with him? Or do I just miss being with someone? I know that if I had to choose between HATE and TAKEN, I’d choose TAKEN. But that’s beside the point because I will never have TAKEN. So HATE knows that I don’t know what I want but I also know that I miss talking to him. No response in 20 minutes probably means I won’t be getting one, so til later.

xoxo, a

updatesss

Tue, 08 Jun 2010 21:56:00 -0400

TAKEN and I have a “date” on Thursday night, exactly one week after the other trainwreck, doing heaven only knows what (left the details up to him). Every time we have one of those deep conversations, we end up bffls again right away. Very weird relationship we have, I must say.

Still nothing from HATE.

OPTION is still M.I.A., although he’s due back in the area tomorrow.

SETTLE, well I don’t know if he’s still an option, he’s a casual flirt, doesn’t direct too much attention my way and we have yet to be alone. We’ll see how that plans out. Honestly, I just want to get laid.

xoxo, a

Truth.

Tue, 08 Jun 2010 00:40:12 -0400

Truth.

“If a guy doesn’t call you, he doesn’t want to call...

Tue, 08 Jun 2010 00:39:04 -0400

“If a guy doesn’t call you, he doesn’t want to call you.”

“Trust me when I say if a guy is treating you like he doesn’t give a shit, he genuinely doesn’t give a shit. No exceptions.”

just checking in

Mon, 07 Jun 2010 20:33:00 -0400

After my last post TAKEN saw a comment about smoking cigarettes, he didn’t preach but he showed some concern I guess you could say. I didn’t tell him that I started because of all the grief he was causing me, probably should have though, would have thrown him for a loop. But anyway, TAKEN does not like to go to bed angry so he tried to ease the tension with music. He knows me too well. (Here’s something you should all know about me, music heals all wounds. If you’re feeling a certain way, it’s guaranteed that a song has been sung about it.) I kept the conversation short, a few syllables per sentence. I don’t think TAKEN realizes what he’s doing to me. He understands the situation, but he doesn’t understand it’s effect on me.

HATE never texted me again, joy. I’m not giving up on this one. How long should I wait before trying again?

Gigi: I would rather be like that, then be like you. Alex:...

Mon, 07 Jun 2010 13:34:00 -0400

Gigi: I would rather be like that, then be like you.
Alex: Excuse me? What’s that supposed to mean?
Gigi: I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so much but at least that means that I still care. Oh! You’ve think you won because women are expendable to you. You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way but you don’t fall in love that way either. You have not won. You’re alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit but I’m still a lot closer to love than you are.

In case you’re not aware, HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU is my go-to boy guide

A conversation between myself and TAKEN, my comments are in the...

Mon, 07 Jun 2010 13:12:17 -0400

A conversation between myself and TAKEN, my comments are in the yellow.

My hands are shaking now.

latest developments

Mon, 07 Jun 2010 11:45:00 -0400

After I posted last night I received a text from SETTLE. We’d been having a conversation over a cig (i just started, and i’m not proud of myself but it calms me down), and he’s said something about another girl in our program being “all up on his dick” (yes, that’s verbatim). He complained about her leaning all over him and I said that maybe she liked him and that I wouldn’t lean on him. So later after we’d parted he texted me to say “ps you’re not __.” And I said, “does that mean I can lean on you?” We went back and forth a bit, I have a feeling his was looking for an invite to come to my room but that was not happening. I’m not sure if I’m ready to settle yet, but I have a feeling he thinks I’m very much into him. But I’m just a flirty person, which is probably counterproductive.

Texted HATE just a little while ago, that got nowhere.

Me: Hey

HATE: Hey

Me: How are you

HATE: Fine, at work & busy so I can’t really talk

Me: Oh alright… take care then.

[End of Conversation]

I miss him quite terribly and I don’t think he realizes it. (Song: “Where I Stood” by Missy Higgins)

‘Til later

xoxo, a

what you need to know...

Mon, 07 Jun 2010 01:35:00 -0400

I am a 20 year-old romantic, where-your-heart-on-your-sleeve kinda girl, although I don’t advertise myself as such. My usual facade presents me as tough and independent person, with no need for anyone but myself.

Where I’m from or where I’m going is irrelevant to the romantic tragedy known as my life. The important thing to know is that at the moment there are four boys in it. I’ll refer to them as TAKEN, OPTION, SETTLE and HATE.

TAKEN is a guitar-playing god with the voice of an angel in a long-distance relationship. We became very close towards the end of our last semester, hung out all the time. I would just go to listen to him sing, though I did secretly love him to death. One night I went to see him, to steal his body pillow for the weekend, and we “hooked up,” a very odd term but I’ll stick with it for now. It was a very tense day the next day, we played phone tag trying to make sure that what happened actually happened and what would happen from then on. Well TAKEN decided it was a mistake. He crushed my dreams (my heart) while during a drive through the town in his car. I cried myself to sleep that night because the man I loved thought I was a mistake. The difficult situation slowly dissipated, we started hanging out again and we fell back into our usual routine, visiting and laughing and listening to music together. TAKEN came to visit me just the other day. Spent 5 hours together; the best (yet worst) night of my life. You see, TAKEN has a way of making me feel so comfortable. I’ve never been myself around anyone, he brings out the best in me. He let me wear his shirt when I was cold, still have it. It hangs on the back of my door and sometimes, when I’m down, I’ll wear it. I haven’t spoken to him in days, but it feels like years. (Song: “If It Kills Me” by Jason Mraz)

OPTION is my boy-next-door. We grew up together, but he moved away last year. I’ve had a thing for him since high school. He strung me along for years because he knew I would never leave. But now we’re in college and he is still trying to pull that crap. I’m going to make this short because we have a lot of history… Last summer we had a terrible falling out, but we managed to mend things. But when we were home at the same time last month he hung out. It was a great GREAT night. But now, for unknown reasons, he won’t talk to me. I’ve tried every form of communication, yet nothing. (Song: “All Over It Now” by Jaime Cullum)

SETTLE is in the room across from me. We’re in a summer program together with several other people, but we’ve gotten closer because we’re the youngest in the group. I wasn’t very interested when we first met, but after my rough night with TAKEN I’m leaning toward him more and more. I’m settling because I just want to be with someone, near someone. I want to be held, I want to be kissed, I want to be wanted. Emo, I know, but it’s the truth. (Don’t quite have a song for this one yet, working on it.)

HATE is my ex. He hates me, but I don’t hate him. In fact, I miss him. He was my best friend, the one that knows everything about me and I could tell anything to. He knew my strengths, my weaknesses, my likes, my dislikes, everything I ever said… he remembered everything. He was my first love, and I threw it all away (3 months ago) because I didn’t want to be “comfortable.” Every day I check his Facebook to see what’s new in his life, like at some point we’ll talk again and I’ll need to know everything that’s happened in his life, as if he’d quiz me or something. I don’t even know. But like I said, he hates me, won’t talk to me anymore. He’s moved on. (Song: “Hate (I Really Don’t Like You)” by Plain White T’s)

After all the shit I’ve been through this year, I’ve started to smoke more and more. Weed, cloves… I’m becoming the girl I didn’t want to become so I can get away, even if only for a few minutes or hours…

Goodnight world.

xoxo, a

“Every movie we see, Every story we’re told implores...

Sun, 06 Jun 2010 01:21:00 -0400

“Every movie we see, Every story we’re told implores us to wait for it, the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we’re so focused on finding our happy ending we don’t learn how to read the signs. How to tell from the ones who want us and the ones who don’t, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn’t include a guy, maybe… it’s you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is… just… moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this, knowing after all the unreturned phone calls, broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope.”

Why...

Sun, 06 Jun 2010 00:57:16 -0400

So I made this blog to talk about boys.

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly.

‘Nough said, stand by for the first REAL post.

xoxo, a