what you need to know…

I am a 20 year-old romantic, where-your-heart-on-your-sleeve kinda girl, although I don’t advertise myself as such. My usual facade presents me as tough and independent person, with no need for anyone but myself.

Where I’m from or where I’m going is irrelevant to the romantic tragedy known as my life. The important thing to know is that at the moment there are four boys in it. I’ll refer to them as TAKEN, OPTION, SETTLE and HATE. 

TAKEN is a guitar-playing god with the voice of an angel in a long-distance relationship. We became very close towards the end of our last semester, hung out all the time. I would just go to listen to him sing, though I did secretly love him to death. One night I went to see him, to steal his body pillow for the weekend, and we “hooked up,” a very odd term but I’ll stick with it for now. It was a very tense day the next day, we played phone tag trying to make sure that what happened actually happened and what would happen from then on. Well TAKEN decided it was a mistake. He crushed my dreams (my heart) while during a drive through the town in his car.  I cried myself to sleep that night because the man I loved thought I was a mistake. The difficult situation slowly dissipated, we started hanging out again and we fell back into our usual routine, visiting and laughing and listening to music together. TAKEN came to visit me just the other day. Spent 5 hours together; the best (yet worst) night of my life. You see, TAKEN has a way of making me feel so comfortable. I’ve never been myself around anyone, he brings out the best in me. He let me wear his shirt when I was cold, still have it. It hangs on the back of my door and sometimes, when I’m down, I’ll wear it. I haven’t spoken to him in days, but it feels like years. (Song: “If It Kills Me” by Jason Mraz)

OPTION is my boy-next-door. We grew up together, but he moved away last year. I’ve had a thing for him since high school. He strung me along for years because he knew I would never leave. But now we’re in college and he is still trying to pull that crap. I’m going to make this short because we have a lot of history… Last summer we had a terrible falling out, but we managed to mend things. But when we were home at the same time last month he hung out. It was a great GREAT night. But now, for unknown reasons, he won’t talk to me. I’ve tried every form of communication, yet nothing. (Song: “All Over It Now” by Jaime Cullum)

SETTLE is in the room across from me. We’re in a summer program together with several other people, but we’ve gotten closer because we’re the youngest in the group. I wasn’t very interested when we first met, but after my rough night with TAKEN I’m leaning toward him more and more. I’m settling because I just want to be with someone, near someone. I want to be held, I want to be kissed, I want to be wanted. Emo, I know, but it’s the truth. (Don’t quite have a song for this one yet, working on it.)

HATE is my ex. He hates me, but I don’t hate him. In fact, I miss him. He was my best friend, the one that knows everything about me and I could tell anything to. He knew my strengths, my weaknesses, my likes, my dislikes, everything I ever said… he remembered everything. He was my first love, and I threw it all away (3 months ago) because I didn’t want to be “comfortable.” Every day I check his Facebook to see what’s new in his life, like at some point we’ll talk again and I’ll need to know everything that’s happened in his life, as if he’d quiz me or something. I don’t even know. But like I said, he hates me, won’t talk to me anymore. He’s moved on. (Song: “Hate (I Really Don’t Like You)” by Plain White T’s)

After all the shit I’ve been through this year, I’ve started to smoke more and more. Weed, cloves… I’m becoming the girl I didn’t want to become so I can get away, even if  only for a few minutes or hours…

Goodnight world.

xoxo, a

NIGHTNIGHT by DEDDY